I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
