I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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