i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
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