Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
