if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
