I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
