Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
