im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
