so let's talk penis.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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