apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
