I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Pooping to opera.
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