I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
