I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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