the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
what day is it and did you see me today?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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