I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
