I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
