I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
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Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
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there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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