Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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