i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
