Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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