the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
