Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
