2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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