omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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