I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I can text with my tongue
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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