does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
