I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
