My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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