I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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