I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
