My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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