I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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