i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
