dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
