Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
