The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
