I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
