He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
