btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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