my phone needs a breathalizer
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
