I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
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