You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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