Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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