My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
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No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
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I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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