I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
