how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
