If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You left your phone here
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