Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
