Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
