My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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