Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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