We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
