I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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