I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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