picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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